Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Facebook Not Guilty Verdict Leads to Civil Unrest in California

Facebook Not Guilty Verdict Leads to Civil Unrest in California

CALIFORNIA – Some violence broke out this morning when Facebook handed down a “not guilty” verdict in the highly charged case that has divided the nation and sparked distrust from some users toward the social media giant. Facebook had charged itself with multiple counts of conspiracy to promote a Leftist agenda while, at the same time, censoring material from the Right.


Around two thousand conservative users waited anxiously on the steps of the Menlo Park headquarters building when word came down that Facebook had found itself not guilty of targeting and silencing news items and posts that originated from conservative sources.

Judge Mark Zuckerberg read the verdict, proclaiming, “We, the jury, find Facebook not guilty of all current and future charges against it.”

The jury of two lesbians, a Democratic strategist, two Bernie Sanders supporters, a feminist, a Black Lives Matter activist, two hipster douchebags, a Starbucks barista, a college professor, and Glenn Beck unanimously acquitted Facebook of all charges. All jurors except Beck were graduates of UC-Berkeley.

Jurors sat through two days of intense testimony in which only the Left side of the aisle was represented. Glenn Beck seemed distracted the entire trial, gazing longingly into Judge Zuckerberg’s eyes, instead of paying attention to the merits of the case.


Once the verdict came down, one gentleman in the crowd threw his baseball cap on the ground in disgust. A conservative from Tennessee, Joe Amadeus, actually kicked over a trash can after hearing the news. Numerous conservatives were seen slamming their car doors shut when they began to disperse, but thankfully the violence didn’t escalate beyond that.

Riot police were standing ready nearby, but never had to be called into action. Facebook congratulated itself on conducting a thorough investigation and giving the matter a fair trial.

Glenn Beck said afterwards, “I hope this puts the issue to rest, once and for all. Mark is the best. He makes me feel special, like I’m the only conservative in the room.”

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