A Dark Place

By C.L. Paur

Winter is loneliness, especially in Wisconsin. Birds have migrated, flowers have faded, trees are bare, and days have shortened so darkness prevails over the light.

Who can tolerate this for very long? It's too cold for one thing, but the silence stirs within our own hearts a sense of desolation that yearns for companionship.


Old age has often been compared to winter. Indeed, our bodies often take on the emptiness of life -- with poor health and hearing, wrinkles, baldness, and missing teeth. It can be a time of depression and loneliness.

It's also can be a difficult situation for families. My mother once said, "All of the children in a family could never care for a parent as well as the parent cared for all those children."

She's right. Some kids want to help, but have resistant parents. Others want to help, but live so far away. Sadly, there are many kids that want nothing to do with their elderly parents. One woman said to me once, "I'm retired, now. Why do I want to take care of my parent?"

Though I'm not a sociologist, I've noticed some patterns of childrening (defined as children taking care of parents). There are the highly engaged caretakers, fearfully engaged, somewhat engaged, and where have all the children gone? And, as you might guess, the higher the level of childrening, the higher the levels of happiness and emotional well being for the older adult.

This does not suggest taking over and being a control freak, nor placing Mom or Dad in a nursing home, then leaving the staff to care for your parents. It means recognizing that your parents still need relationships with others just as much as you do. It means calling them on a regular basis if you can't see them. It means respecting them as adults, though they might wear a diaper or need to learn to talk again after a stroke. It means holding their hands, hugging them, wiping their butts, or combing their hair.

Many children have hard feelings toward their parents. Abuse, either physical or emotional, has chased the children away. This is where winter is the coldest. In the child's heart is a chink of ice, one that begs the question, "Why did you treat me this way?"

I honestly can't speak to those children, but I do know of one person that was neglected as a child, but became a highly engaged caretaker. It wasn't easy for this person, and I don't know if all the old wounds were healed. Yet it was beautiful to see the bonds grow between the mother, daughter and grandchildren. It would have never happened if the daughter hadn't stepped forward to help her mother.

It is tempting for all of us to want to "move on" with life, but if we're fortunate, we'll be elderly one day. We will need the love, care, and emotional support of loved ones. Let us hope our children or loved ones don't want to "move on" and neglect us.

We all know what happens after winter, spring. But in the meantime, blankets, hot beverages, and warm houses protect us from the frigid air. For the elderly living out their winter years, their warmth and protection comes from our love and care.

Until next time!