Heads will roll my friends ,Trump is Cleaning the swamp and the critters are restless...
Chair: “The Executive Committee will come to order. I’m pleased to say that, just since our last meeting, we’ve made much progress in our campaign against Donald Trump. The protests have been excellent, the one-sided media have also been excellent, and perhaps, most excellently, the federal civil service has been our star, what with the leaks and all. As we like to say, the worse for Trump, the better!
(Cheers, applause)
“In fact, our progress is now measurable. In your folders, you can see the data from a new poll from the firm of PPP. Here are some of the highlights: A full 40 percent of voters want to see Trump impeached—
(Cheers, applause)
—and that’s up five points in just a week.
(Cheers, applause)
“Moreover, 52 percent of Americans say they would rather have Barack Obama back as president, compared to only 43 percent who say they’re glad that Trump is president.”
Member #1: “Does ‘PPP’ stand for ‘Progressive Progressive Progressive’?”
(Laughter)
Chair: “Well, of course, PPP is a Democratic firm, but in fact, ‘PPP’ stands for Public Policy Polling. But by whatever name, they do great work! Always on message! So members of this committee should please feel free to throw them lots of business. It can only help!”
Member #2: “Hear, hear!”
Chair: “Okay, so now let’s get the reports from our operational divisions. We’ll start, of course, with CDSD; that is, the Core Deep State Division. I should add that also in your folders you should have an open letter to the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee, signed by “current and former” employees of the Department of Labor, opposing Trump’s nomination of Andrew Puzder to be Secretary of Labor. It’s delightfully long and detailed!
“So now, yes, we’ll hear from the representative of the federal civil service, those who work in the belly of the beast—the point-people of the internal ‘Trumpsistance.’”
Member #3: “Thank you. We in the CDSD believe we’ve made a lot of progress. Along with that open letter from our brothers and sisters at DOL—and more coming!—I am proud to note the dozens, literally, of rogue-government twitter sites, such as AltUSEPA; that one site already has 321,000 followers.
(Cheers, applause)
Perhaps most profoundly, the leaks of Trump’s phone calls to the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Australia—and the leaks about the military operation in Yemen—were a great success. Anti-Trump headlines all over the world, and good psy-war against the Trumpians. They’re starting to get the message: We are everywhere!
Member #4: “Does anyone know if the transcripts, as reported, are genuine?”
Member #3: “Who cares?”
(Cheers, applause)
“In addition, on January 31 there was a wonderful article in The Washington Post, headlined, ‘Resistance from within: Federal workers push back against Trump.’
“It reminded us, for example, of the fact that 95 percent of campaign donations at 14 federal agencies went to Hillary Clinton last year; so we know, anywhere in the Federal Triangle, that we’re among friends. And the Post story also took note of a recent ruling by the Justice Department’s ethics office that declared that it was permissible for a DOJ professional to wear a Hillary tee-shirt inside Main Justice. Jeff Sessions will love that!”
(Cheers, applause)
Member #5: “I thought federal employees weren’t allowed to make overt political displays like that. I mean, I’m delighted, but aren’t there rules about out-and-out politicking?”
Member #3: “Those rules only apply to Republicans.”
(Cheers, applause)
Chair: “Forgive the interruption, valued colleague, but I must caution you, and all of us, on the danger of revealing too much to the public about our efforts. I understand—we all understand—that our friends in the Main Stream Media wish to help us in any way they can, but we need to realize that the American people might not approve of these subversive actions by civil servants. We must never look too obvious. The hidden hand is more effective at wielding the dagger—metaphorically, of course.”
(Laughter)
Member #3: “Your, uh, point, heh-heh, is well taken. Now, with the Chair’s permission, might I make a quiet suggestion to the Committee?”
Chair: “Of course.”
Member #3: “I think it’s vital that there be a hefty reward for Sally Yates, who, as we all know, was recently fired by Trump from our wonderful Justice Department. It’s very important that she get a good job as a token of our affection for standing up to Trump, as well as lots of TV gigs, board memberships, and ‘Profile-in-Courage’-type awards. Such visible benefits for Ms. Yates will help encourage other courageous anti-Trump figures in public service to stand up to tyranny.”
Chair: “That’s an excellent suggestion. The Secretary will please record that as an action item.”
Secretary: “Done.”
Chair: “And I might add, for the record, too, that Ms. Yates would make an excellent Attorney General in the next Democratic administration.”
(Cheers, applause)
Member #3: “In addition, I’m proud to say that our effort against Trump administration political appointees is accelerating, and bearing fruit. We’ve already had some success at the Department of Education, revealing their many hatreds, and getting at least one staffer removed, and we look forward to more such removals as we activate our friends on Capitol Hill.”
(Cheers, applause)
Chair: “Yes, well done. Soon, there will soon be some 7,000 Trump appointees in the federal government, and we will be counting on the CDSD to monitor each and every one of them. That is, every phone call, every e-mail, every xerox, every personal errand on government time. We’ll pick them off, one by one. And they will all fall, like the penny-ante dictators that they are.”
(Cheers, applause)
“Now, let’s hear next from the Guerrilla Theater Division.”
Member #6: “My thanks to the Chair. We at the GTD believe that we have done a good job of turning out crowds. With those crowds, we have dominated the live-TV news two weekends in a row. We have counted tens of millions of social-media posts—”
Member #1 “—It helps, of course, to have our friends in Silicon Valley doing the metric-ing!”
(Cheers, applause)
Chair: “Yes, without a doubt, the GTD has performed admirably. However, once again, I must warn all of you: We must be careful about security—no leaks! Let me read from a disturbing story that appeared in The Daily Beast. The headline is terrible, just terrible: ‘These Are the Groups Behind Those ‘Spontaneous’ Anti-Trump-Ban Protests: How little-known groups were behind the thousands taking to the streets after Donald Trump’s election win—and thousands more filling airports across the country over the weekend.’
(Rumbling murmurs)
“And the article goes on to delineate, in unsparing detail, how one ‘non-profit’ group, called Make the Road New York, organized the protests at JFK airport and in Manhattan. It even quoted one organizer by name, one Daniel Altschuler. For reasons I cannot fathom, Mr. Altschuler chose to describe, in copious detail, how his group first mobilized the marches, and then helped the marchers with lawyers and media.
“We must remember that the whole point is make these demonstrations appear spontaneous. If they looked planned and orchestrated, then it starts to look as if they’ve all been financed by—never mind.”
(More murmurs)
Member #6: “The Chair’s point is indeed well taken. We will double down on operational security. And on a more positive note, I will remind you that the people behind the anti-Milo riot in Berkeley, California, have all kept their mouths shut.”
(Cheers, applause)
Chair: “Thank you. Now we will hear from the Popular Culture Division.”
Member #7: “The PCD, too, has been working hard. We are delighted, for instance, that Samantha Bee continues her efforts, including her April 29 counter-protest-dinner, opposite the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. We hope, of course, that her effort will shame the White House Correspondents’ Association into either cancelling the dinner or, better yet, arranging to ambush Trump with a nasty comedian, if he attends—”
Chair: “—Once again, people, I remind you of the importance of op-sec.”
Member #7: “Yes. Sam, of course, is one of our most trusted allies, and yet not quite everyone at the Correspondents’ Association is so reliable. So we will continue to work the problem.”
Member #2: “I wonder if we can get Stephen Colbert again. He was great against Bush 43 a few years ago!”
Member #7: “As I said, we are working it. Meanwhile, in addition, we have new challenges, such as crushing Matthew McConaughey—”
(Loud boos, hisses)
“Yes, he must be crushed. We will make an example out of him.”
(Cheers, applause)
Member #1: “And to think, we gave him an Academy Award for Dallas Buyers Club. I mean, he wasn’t that good. But we gave him the Oscar anyway, because the movie was so important. And now, what do we get? No gratitude! So, down with McConaughey!”
(Cheers, applause)
Chair: “Very well. Now to the Media Division.”
Member #8: “Thank you. I like to think that the quality of our work in the MD goes without saying. I could spend all day tooting our collective horn, but in the interests of time, I’d rather let our good works speak for themselves. Open up a newspaper! Click on a link! Turn on your TV! We’re everywhere!”
(Cheers, applause)
Chair: “Yes, good point! No need to state the obvious. No need to gild the lily. Now, to the Politics Division.”
Member #9: “The PD has also been working hard. Our first task, of course, has been to stiffen the spine of Congressional Democrats. No more of this foolish ‘We can work with Trump’ stuff. I think we have Schumer off that. And Pelosi, of course, has always been with us.
(Cheers, applause)
“And we will, of course, continue to target Trump’s Cabinet nominees, and now, Gorsuch. And of course, there’s the continuing effort in support of Obamacare; we will make them pay as they seek to repeal it.”
Chair: “Excellent! I will point out that also in your folders is a list of all the upcoming town halls to be held by Members of Congress. This list has been painstakingly assembled by PD auxiliaries, and I think you will find it helpful in protesting Obamacare repeal, and everything else. Up close and personal protesting is the best kind!”
Member #9: “There is, of course, one unresolved problem for the PD: And that is, what to do about David Brock?”
(Boos and hisses, both)
Chair: “Yes, that is a puzzle. We have a special task force working on that matter. We look forward to its report, soon—very soon.”
Member #1: “The sooner the better: Brock is trouble!”
(Boos and hisses, both)
Chair: “I would like to thank the Committee for its—for your—uh, expressions. Finally, let’s hear from our newest division, the Corporate Division.”
Member #10: “We at the CD are newbies, but we try harder!
(Cheers, applause)
“In fact, we have already struck some mighty blows against the Trump empire. We have regained control of Reddit, and, most recently, we have persuaded Uber’s Travis Kalanick to resign from Trump’s business advisory council!
(Cheers, applause)
Member #2: “Having 200,000 people delete their Uber app—that was a great show of strength!
Member #10: “Yes, it was, and we must also show our appreciation to our comrades in the Guerrilla Theater Division for their pressure-campaign.
(Sustained cheers, loud applause)
“And now, on to our next target: Peter Thiel!”
(Sustained cheers, louder applause)
“And then to our finally target: Trump’s Twitter account.
(Sustained cheers, even louder applause)
“We’ve already guilt-tripped Twitter into giving $1.59 million to the ACLU, and so now we must keep up the pressure and deprive Trump of those 23.5 million followers! Or at least fiddle with Trump’s algorithm!!”
(Still more sustained cheers, applause)
Chair: “Thank you all for your excellent presentations, and even more, for your excellent work. With this sort of will to win, we will win. We are, indeed, well on our way. See you next week!”
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