And take your husband with you, if you can stand it.
Or until the people who control the spotlight tell them they have to stop, because it's never going to happen. And that's what the voters did to Hillary Clinton on Tuesday. For decades she's been positioning herself to win the presidency. It has been the obsession of her life. Every move she's made - taking over her husband's health care initiative, choosing not to leave him over his infidelity, running for the Senate, accepting the job of Secretary of State - every one of those decisions came down to one question in her mind:
Does this help position me to eventually become president?
Because nothing else mattered. And everyone knew that was what she was doing. Ever since Bill Clinton took office and we heard the talk about getting two for the price of one, you could tell Hillary not only thought she should get a turn, but that she needed a turn. This weird political partnership disguised as a marriage was not going to work for her if all she got out of it was to stand by her man and then become the first First Lady to get certain other jobs.
No way. That would leave her in second position to him, and she was not going to have that.
She. Needed. To. Be. President.
Needed it like a junkie needs his fix. Needed it like that guy who just cut you off on the highway needs to flip you off to complete the indignity.
Some people can take what God has for them in life and be grateful for it. Some people need more. Some people need everything. Or they can't be validated. They can't justify their own lives.
Some people can't really believe that all the respect they seem to be getting is really genuine, and they're convinced that the only way they'll know for sure it's real is to become the top dog. Then it might be given out of fear rather than genuine affection, but at least it's something. And you've got your picture on the roll of presidents that people will look at forever. And you'll always be the first . . . woman . . . president, and no one will ever be able to take that away from you, even if everyone knows it was a pure nepotism play.
2000 was too soon. 2004 was too risky. 2008 didn't work out. (Thanks Obama!) 2016 would be the year! Her moment in the sun! They couldn't deny her this time! And those nasty Republicans? The usual plays would surely work against them. Sexists. Racists. All the deplorables. They could easily be swatted away, and finally, Hillary would stand on those Capitol steps and raise her right hand. That awful John Roberts would have to swear her in, but no matter.
She was gonna make it after all!
But she didn't. And it's not hard to understand why. For one thing, she was a terrible candidate. Her shrill, hectoring voice is an insufferable chore to listen to. She doesn't seem to like much of anyone, always shrieking about how she's "sick and tired" of this and that, and how deplorable everyone is who doesn't support her.
And for all the talk about her resume, no one could find any accomplishments during the years she had those jobs. That's because she only got those jobs to burnish her resume to seek the job she really wanted, and everyone knew that was what she was doing.
She offered virtually no compelling rationale for why she should get a presidency. She had no interesting idea, no worthwhile agenda, no compelling solution to bring to the table. She just wanted to be president, and kept shoving her resume and her gender in our faces as a way of making us feel uncomfortable if we were inclined to deny her.
And I hardly think we even need to go over all the corruption, some of which will likely still come out as a result of the FBI's investigation into the Clinton Foundation.
The voters rejected her for these reasons and so many more. They knew from the WikiLeaks releases that Hillary and her team had been caught breaking the law and tried to destroy the evidence. They knew from the testimony of people like former Secret Service agent Gary Byrne that she was a nasty, foul-mouthed shrew who treated others like garbage whenever she felt like doing so.
They knew that, behind the scenes, Hillary's team insulted Christians and referred to our beliefs as backwards.
They knew she cheated. She needed the DNC to put its thumb on the scales in the primaries in order for her to get past a wild-eyed, doddering socialist. They knew she needed the media's help - up to and including giving her the debate questions in advance - to be competitive against a guy who had never run for office before. And had issues, let's face it.
And they knew that bringing the Clintons back to the White House would mean the return of all the scandals, all the corruption and all the never-ending investigations. We lived through that once before. There was no need to go through it again.
Oh, by the way, they also knew that Obama policies have led to some pretty damn big problems for this country, and that Hillary would do nothing to change our direction or solve those problems. In addition to everything else, that was the most practical reason to deny her request to return to the White House in the role she had obsessed over for at least a generation - and probably longer.
We're done being told how smart she is. We're done being told how entitled she is to a turn in the big chair. We're done being lectured that we're sexists if we don't support her.
We're just flat out done with her. No, Hillary. You do not get to be president. And you never should have sought the job in the first place because you don't have what it takes to do it. And we don't trust you. And not that it's really a job requirement, but we can't stand you. And that's not helping either.
Those of you who have read me for a while, all the way back to my days at the North Star syndicate, know that I've been on Hillary's case for years. I am not the type of writer who sees political commentary as a personal mission. I write what I think and I mean it, but I don't really get too worked up about any of it. But if I've had one mission as a writer, it's been to make sure America understood who and what Hillary Clinton is, and that we never, ever allowed her to assume the power of the presidency.
As of Tuesday morning, it looked like there was a pretty decent chance I was going to fail in that mission. That was a tough thing to face. But it looks like all those columns over all those years just might have made a difference. I certainly do not have the biggest audience. But it was a very close race. Maybe I enlightened enough people that it made some difference. I hope so. But it's not really important.
What's important is that we dodged this bullet. And what's important now is that the Clintons go away. That they stop infesting our lives with their obsessive quest for power, money and prominence. That they leave the stage. It's long past time for them to go. And it's long past time for her to accept that she will never be president, and to stop trying. We don't want to see her again in four years. We don't want to see her again, ever.
And if she can't accept that, I have a feeling the DNC or Democrat primary voters will make the call for her. But the best thing would be if she would simply realize there's no point in putting us all through it again.
The House of Clinton has fallen. Finally. Thank God.
The only things that might remain are their trials and their prison terms. I'm not even sure that would be worth the anguish of having to see any more of them - not when we finally can say that our long national nightmare is over.
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